Outsource Your Life

From Esquire:

This weekend it's Mom and Dad's anniversary, so I can expect it to eat up even more of my day than usual. Mr. Naveen to the rescue. I email Mr. Naveen — the YMII employee who will be on duty at the time — a few concerned-sounding questions and a couple of filial sound bites. Next day, I get this email:

I made an out bound call to Jacob's parents. They very happily received my call. I first introduced myself to them. Then I wished them Happy Anniversary they both told me thank you. . . . I asked them how is the weather in their place. They told me that it is pretty nice temperature here and the garden looks beautiful.

I won't reproduce the whole transcript, but apparently my mom's sprained foot has gotten better (though the rain does not help), and my dad's law practice is going along very well. As for me, I had a good week, apparently. This was highly successful outsourcing, saving me at least half an hour of sweaty-eared phone time.

Wonder if I can do this too?

60% English?

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

15% Dixie

15% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

Take the quiz here

Say what?

Ivan Meisel said:

Michigan went 7-5 last season. Two of those victories came in overtime, and a third came on the final play against Penn State. In other words, Michigan came within three snaps of being 4-7.

Well, Michigan also lost four games in the last possession:

• Michigan lost 23-20 to the University of Wisconsin on a four-yard quarterback keeper by John Stocco with 24 seconds in the contest.
• Minnesota freshman kicker Jason Giannini hit a 30-yard field goal with one second left to give the Golden Gophers the win and the Little Brown Jug
• On its final possession, Ohio State drove 88 yards on 12 plays for the game-winning score, a three-yard touchdown run by Antonio Pittman with 24 seconds remaining.
• Michigan's final two possessions ended with an incomplete pass at the goal line and a last-ditch effort on a series of laterals that fell short at the Cornhuskers' 13-yard line.
  

So by that logic, Michigan could have been 11-1. Come on, the 2005 version of Michigan football is a 7-5 team. No better, but certainly no worse than that.

Impressive?

From Chicago Sun-Times:

MOLK PICKS MICHIGAN: When Lemont coach Eric Michaelsen first saw David Molk, he didn't project him as a Division I football player. In fact, Molk didn't appear on anybody's radar screen until a college recruiter accidentally discovered him while scouting Molk's Notre Dame-bound teammate, Aaron Nagel.

Now the 6-2, 270-pound center is headed for the Big Ten. He made an oral commitment Wednesday to Michigan, choosing the Wolverines over Iowa, Wisconsin and West Virginia. No small achievement for a kid who could bench-press only 110 pounds as a 5-6, 175-pound freshman.

Molk, who has emerged as the strongest player on the Lemont squad (he benches 390 pounds and squats 575), said he chose Michigan ''because coaches always say you will get the feeling that will tell you where you want to go. After visiting Michigan last weekend, I had that feeling.''

Molk, who is rated as the No. 6 prospect in the area by recruiting analyst Tom Lemming, said he also was persuaded by Michigan's highly rated business school, his connection to offensive line coach Andy Moeller and the Wolverines' impressive weight-training program.

Impressive? Really? We sure about this?

What I want to know is what diet this kid was on. 8 inches and almost 100 pounds in 3 years. Sign me up!

Beyond calculation?

From Associated Press:

WESTLAKE, Ohio (AP) -- A bar waitress checking to see if a customer was legally old enough to drink looked down to see a familiar photo.

It was her own.

The 22-year-old waitress, whose name was not released, called police last week and said she had been handed her own stolen driver's license by a woman trying to prove she was 21.

The woman, who became suspicious of the delay as the waitress went to call police, fled the Moosehead Saloon, but her companion provided her name.

Maria Bergan, 23, of Lakewood, was charged Sunday night with identity theft and receiving stolen property. She was arrested at her home in suburban Cleveland.

The waitress said she had lost her wallet July 9 at a bar in Lakewood.

"The odds of this waitress recovering her own license defy calculation," police Capt. Guy Turner said Monday.

No, sir. It actually doesn't defy calculation. There are only around 5 billion human being on this planet, so the odds are at most 1:5 billion. However, the likelihood of the woman using the driver license in bars outside the US is probably zero, so the odds improve to 1:220 million. And so on. Beyond belief maybe, but beyond calculation? Come on, Captain!

Who?

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